Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
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I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Yes my dude
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird