Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
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Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.