Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
You Might Also Like
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.