Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
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Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
The Compass
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating