馃槀
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#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I鈥檓 still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I鈥檓 more interested in talking about the roles you AREN鈥橳 playing.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you鈥檒l just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Me: I don鈥檛 remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you鈥檙e watching a documentary about warthogs
This headline is a thing of beauty
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I鈥檓 surrounded by fakes
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain鈥檛 no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 馃槍馃槍
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I hope you don鈥檛 feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that鈥檚 how the fight started.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men鈥檚 Target bathroom.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we鈥檝e made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I鈥檓 going to need those lemons back
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable