Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
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a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Doug is just Canadian for dog
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.