If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
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When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
philosophical skeletons be like
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.