Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
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I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19