Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
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Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
The little toadstool has spoken.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.