A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
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Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.