“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
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Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
#polloftheday
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible