And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
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Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
dads on road-trips be like
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.