Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
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Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.