It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
You Might Also Like
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Livid.