Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
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Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Me driving through Toronto
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero