GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
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Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
My dog learned how to text
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars