I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
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If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.