My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
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You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
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ʸ
ʸ
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*has no idea what a book even is*
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind