I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
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Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.