me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
You Might Also Like
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.