my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
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Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”