Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
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Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed