Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
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Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
apparently this year was written by stephen king
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I hope this email punches you square in the face
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Name another movie that mislead you?
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.