I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
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My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
“I’m helping” 😅
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.