Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
You Might Also Like
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.