Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
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SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically