Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
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Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!