Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
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Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?