What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
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*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”