my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
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[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
She was REALLY feeling it.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.