[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
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Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.