Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
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The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
fixed it
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood