Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
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Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
But wait…
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”