HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
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Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.