Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
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In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.