when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
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Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
is it earth
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
that’s really how it is
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes