I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
You Might Also Like
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming