If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
You Might Also Like
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
A fake ID that makes you younger
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick