Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
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what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
My boss called in sick of me
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha