[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
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Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
HELP 😭
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…