Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
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Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
58.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
how was your vacation