2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
You Might Also Like
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Feel. He’s so soft.