The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
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No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???