Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
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Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
LA today:
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”