Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
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I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Only Americans understand
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”