this is the best day of my life
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Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.