My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
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How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?