Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
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2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Erm I’m gonna say no
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.