Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
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A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good