Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
You Might Also Like
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
My background check bounced.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!